Are we talking personality or behavior?
So before we even get started, let’s define some terms. What does it even mean to say someone has changed? These people clearly have the same body and for the most part, the same brain. So what changed?
When most people are discussing the change in another person, they often say their personality.
But what exactly is a personality?
What people are really saying, is someone’s behavior, mannerisms or routines have changed. To simplify, their responses to stimuli have changed. I know that sounds clinical but the reason I frame it this way is because when you boil it all down, all we really do as humans is respond to external stimulus.
We then use our memories as a guide on how to react in the future. We use historical data based on past experience to determine our behavior. When I smile at the clerk at the coffee story and say good morning, she typically smiles back. This makes me feel good, so I do it more. I will even get annoyed when she doesn’t because now my expectations haven’t been met.
Both negative and positive
We even develop extremely complex routines for certain types of stimulus both negative and positive. To say someone has a temper, really means their reaction to frustrating stimulus is different or more intense than others. Some stimuli will cause a much larger reaction to some than others. When that happens, we say “they have a temper.” But what we are really saying, is they have a hard time containing their reaction to frustration and anger. Instead of feeling the feelings of anger and frustration, they take action in the form of yelling or screaming. If someone alters this reactionary behavior, we will often say they have “changed”.
We are always changing
Let’s back up for a second. Every second we learn something new. In a literal sense, we are never the same person. Every day we wake up with new memories and experiences from the day before. We are always changing because we are always learning and growing based on previous experience. I remember when I was young, being excited to get older because of how much more I was going to learn.
The more we learn, the more we can change.
So does this mean change is really an external indicator of learning?
If we are always changing, what causes those noticeable “Big Shifts”?
We have all witnessed someone who has gone through a massive change in character or personality seemingly overnight. Sometimes these are big changes for the “better” and sometimes they are the other kind.
The catalyst for change is not some mystic force but rather something which occurs within the mind itself. The only ingredient to cause massive change comes from the way we view ourselves. The way we define the unique set of experiences we have.
So why do some experiences and lessons seem to “change” us more than others?
Is there some mystic alignment of the stars that occurs where everything is just right? If so, bang! A cosmic shift happens and a person is changed forever?
Massive lasting change comes from an identity shift.
The change does NOT come from the experiences themselves but how we as individuals experience them. Or put another way, its not the experience but the story we tell ourselves about the experience.
Consider an example of two teenagers who have been experimenting with drugs. Both are exactly the same in all respects, lets just say a parallel universe to make it simple. One night the teen does too many drugs and ends up in the hospital from an overdose.
In one instance, he gets support and understanding. When he’s released from the hospital he sees the perfect counselor. They quickly get to the root of his fears and pressure that led to his experimentation with drugs. As a result, he changes many of his friends and doesn’t use drugs again. Lives happily ever after.
The other is a little less fortunate and gets yelled at, grounded, isolated from everyone who actually cares about him. These feelings of isolation and fear escalate causing even more drug use. Ultimately, leading to a life spiraling out of control. Drops out of school and becomes ever parents worse nightmare.
Almost any experience have can lead to massive change.
While in the previous example, this was clearly an event that was going to have a big impact on a person’s life. There are many situations when an experience is going to be life changing no matter what. But the focus of this example should be on how in one example, the shift in behavior and actions resulted from how the individual interpreted the event. That is to say, the event wasn’t what defined the person. How the event was internalized and incorporated into a person’s sense of identity, often is what will dictate future behavior.
If you are looking for massive change that will last in your life. There is no perfect morning routine, motivational video, or meditation retreat that will “fix” you. There is no simple trick that you haven’t learned yet. Radical lasting change only occurs when we truly have an identity shift. When we believe ourselves to embody a new identity, do our actions become aligned with the new identity.